


Freak Accident

by dyingphil



Category: Kpop - Fandom, TOMORROW X TOGETHER
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Jealous Choi Soobin, M/M, Soobin - Freeform, Sookai too, Tomorrow x together - Freeform, Top Jeon Jungkook, Whipped Choi Soobin, Yeonjun - Freeform, a little bit of Beomjun ???, beomgyu - Freeform, hueningkai - Freeform, kim taehyung - Freeform, soogyu, taehyun - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-01
Updated: 2020-04-05
Packaged: 2021-02-27 18:28:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 15,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22500247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dyingphil/pseuds/dyingphil
Summary: I couldn't stop looking at him, he was just like a car accident. This boy with bleached hair, and blue nails who is a mere stranger at a party, has unknowingly just ruined my life.
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu/Choi Soobin
Comments: 1
Kudos: 39





	1. Chapter 1

Seeing him for the first time wasn't like a breath of fresh air, it was like a car accident; gut-wrenching, horrible, a catastrophe- but you can't look away, in fact, you want to look, because despite knowing its wrong you just can't stop your curiosity. Humans really are weird. I'm weird.

When I was eleven, I went to spend a summer with my Grandparents. My Dad had gotten remarried to a woman the spring prior and decided to honey moon in Hawaii for three whole months, so while they were drinking out of coconuts and walking along the beach, I was stuck milking cows and sleeping in a hot stuffy attic where for the first two weeks my only friends were the spiders in the corner, but then I was introduced to my uncle Lance.

He was adopted, and it was obvious, before meeting him I had never seen anyone with naturally blonde hair, and colored eyes. According to him, love doesn't exist, just curiosity that never goes away. I remember this suddenly on the car ride to the party. I don't think much of it, just thinking it was a passing thought, but the thought lingers.

New Year's Eve, I was walking down the sidewalk to the party that Taehyun dragged me to. He was stumbling beside me, already tipsy from pregaming. I wore my thickest coat, but I was still freezing. My chin tucked down and my hands inside my pockets to preserve any warmth I could. I could see my breath, and I felt my toes beginning to freeze. The only parking spot we could find was two streets down, and as a result, we were forced to walk the rest of the way. 

"We should have stayed home" I complained shakily to Taehyun.

"But we're already here" Taehyun and I could see the frat house up ahead, still decorated in Christmas lights, and icicles along the porch railings. I remember being anxious when going up the front porch steps. At the time, I assumed I was just eager to get inside somewhere warm, but now I think otherwise. Now I believe that my heart was preparing itself.

"You guys made it!" Huening Kai greeted us almost immediately. He wore a silver party hat, and his face was red from god knows what reason.

"We always do" Taehyun and he hugged briefly, but he and I shared a fist bump as usual.

"Wow Soobin, your jacket is huge, you must be hella warm" Huening Kai eyed my brown coat.

"I wish," I said as I began taking off my coat.

"The coat rack is by the dooor!" Huening Kai calls put as him and Taehyun go deeper into the party.

So, I wasn't new to parties, but tonight I felt lost. I could hear conversations around me and I could see all the warm colorful lights lighting up the house, but I was dazed and walked aimlessly until I ended up in the kitchen trying to get away from the horrid smell. The entire living room smelled like a cinnamon air freshener and it gave me a small headache because I can't stand the smell.

Before today I had never seen a boy in real life wear makeup. It was normalized enough online but never found its way into my personal life, and while I may think that that kind of thing is kind of weird, I will admit the red eye shadow looked so nice around his eyes. His dark eyes weren't cold, or warm, they were just eyes, eyes that fucking knocked the wind out of me.

If I'm being honest, he scares the living shit out of me. He's a boy, obviously, but he's prettier than any girl in the house- prettier than any girl I've ever seen; and not in a pretty feminine way, I'm talking about just fucking obviousness. He wore a black T-shirt with a white corset over it. Blonde hair fell down his forehead and around his eyes, red dangly cross earrings match his eyes. He was androgynous; beautifully so.

I couldn't stop looking at him, he was just like a car accident. This boy with bleached hair, and blue nails who was a mere stranger at a party, has unknowingly just ruined my life.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some chapters are intended to be shorter than others

Unlike the movies, I didn't smoothly make my way over to him, in fact, I didn't even loot at him or go near him. Being too close to him was no good because, not only would it be weird if I- a complete stranger- just struck up a conversation, but it seemed like he was here with someone else. Even if that said person was Yeonjun.

Besides, I shouldn't be around somebody like him. He... stood out. He was flashy, way too flashy. His earings sparkled as if they came with their own personal 90's disco edit, and that pure white silk corset looked like it was made to be worn by gods. Also, he had dyed hair. I tend to prefer people with darker hair. Basically, he's not even close to my type. 

The closest we came was towards the end of the night. Almost everyone had gone except for those who lived in the frat house, Taehyun and I, and him. God, I don't even know his name yet i've already lost all common sense over him. I know he isn't my type, and I know that he will ruin my life, so why do I feel as if I'm resisting a magnet? 

"How was the trip?" Huening Kai asked me. We all were gathered in the living room now, I was leaning against the doorway leading into the kitchen. Huening Kai, Taehyun, and Felix were on the couch, all of them tired. 

"It was good" I stupidly let my eyes glance over to that boy. He was sitting on the windowsill of the living room, one leg propped up folded on it as his other leg hang. His head was tilted back against the wall and he stared out of the window, not paying attention to anything happening. I couldn't even see what kind of facial expression he had but I did see that Yeonjun and he were sharing the windowsill.

"You don't sound too excited" Yeonjun says in a light tone. He's looking at me, both he and Yeonjun are, but he's looking at me. That red eyeshadow is making his eyes pop out more, and once again, I am knocked out of breath. I stupidly spazz out and forget how to speak for a moment too long and make everything awkward. 

"I-I um, I'm going to take a smoke."

...

I go outside and smoke my cigarette, but still, don't go back inside. I know that Taehyun and I will probably end up crashing here tonight but I can't go inside. It may be my burning embarrassment, but it doesn't seem that cold outside anymore. I put another cigarette between my lips but don't light it yet. My head falls back and I see nothing. It's endless. 

The lights of a car pulling up in front of the house make me come back to earth, and then I hear the front door open and it doesn't take long before I see Yeonjun and the boy leaving the driveway.

"Dude, come one take my jacket," Yeonjun said as they walked up to the car.

"I'm good, I'm just going to be outside for a little bit" I look away until I hear the car drive off. 

"Hey, can I get one too?" Yeonjun walks up to me. I nod my head and give him my last one.

"Do you need a lighter?" I ask him.

"No, I got one" He pulls out his lighter and he lights his as I light might. My friend deeply inhales his first hit and I think I hear him moan a little. 

"Damn, you good?" I ask

"Yeah, Gyu just hates the smell of smoke so I can't smoke when I'm with him" I raised my brows surprised. Yeonjun is basically addicted to cigarettes- we all are except for Taehyun. 

"Oh, is he your boyfriend?" I ask nonchalantly

"Oh my god no, never says something like that in front of him" 

"Oh, my bad, I just assumed you liked him" 

"I do, but he doesn't like me" He actually looks really sad and it kind of makes me sad. After all, Yeonjun is one of my best friends.

"Whatever man, what's so great about him anyway" I say as I take a hit of my cigarette. 

"If you actually knew him then you'd understand"


	3. Chapter 3

And so life went on. The boy named Gyu stayed stuck in my head for two days but slowly faded to the back of my mind.

I tried my best to not think about him, because every time I did, my hands trembled and my head became a jumbled mess. It was horrible.

"Soobin" Taehyun shuts my computer. He's lucky that I was on twitter and not working on my essay.

"Hm?" I push up my glasses with my index finger.

"Kai invited us over"

"Why?"

"They're having a kick back"

"Don't wanna" I throw my head back. I didn't want to see him. I didn't even want to be in the same vicinity as him.

Yet, here I am, standing in front of Huening Kai and Yeonjuns frat house. The Christmas lights were still hung up despite there being only two weeks of January left.

The house still smells like cinnamon, and the heat is still way too high.

I see him immediately. He wore a white fur coat, tight leather jeans, a tight sleeveless black silk shirt with a low collar, a sparkly choker and his bleached hair flat over his forehead; his bangs in his eyes.

He was sitting on the couch next to Yeonjun. A conversation taking place in the living room. My head feels as if I just spun around twelve times, and I feel like I'm actually going to throw up.

"Hey guys" Huening Kai approaches Tae and I. We ended up in the kitchen.

"How's your essay?" Kai asks us.

"I finished it but Soobin is procrastinating" Taehyun (who is currently on top of the kitchen counter and drinking out of a wine glass) bluntly puts it.

"Once I figure out how to start my stupid thesis then I'll be fine" I defended myself.

"Its due in two weeks" my best friend reminds me.

"How much pages does it have to be?" Kai questions.

"Eight" I say.

"If you want I can help you start it" Huening Kai offers.

"You don't have to-"

"Take the damn offer, you need it" Taehyun scolds me. I sigh and smile at Kai.

"Are you sure it's not a big deal?"

"Definitely not! You can come over tomorrow after your classes"

"Alright cool, thanks so much!"

"Okay lets go back now" Taehyun downs the rest of his drink and jumps off of the counter. Him and Huening Kai started moving towards the living room and I made up an excuse almost too naturally.

"I'm gonna go smoke a cig real quick" I jerk my thumb to the backdoor leading into the back yard.

"Of course you are" Taehyun mutters as he and Kai walk away.

I sat down on the swing set. The fraternity had one right next to the pool. They were yellow and the chains squeaked as I slowly swung my body back and fourth.

I light the cigarette between my lips and inhale deeply. I throw my head back and enjoy my high. When I get back up, I'm not alone anymore.

He's sitting on the swing next to me. I don't know how or when he got there, but he was fucking there, and he was looking at me.

There's an awkward silence between us. I, not knowing what to do, hold my breathe.

"Hey" He says

"Hey" It hurts to speak.

"Smoking is bad for you" he says, and it feels like my throat is closing. I can't breathe. He takes my breath away in the worst possible way but he is still so beautiful. He so beautiful that it terrifies me. He's so beautiful that I feel like it could kill me- I feel like he's going to kill me.

When a human is faced with a life threatening situation they either fight or flight.

So I ran.


	4. Chapter 4

"I will literally pay you 100 dollars to write this for me," I say half-jokingly to Huening Kai.

"Stop joking around," He says. He was sitting on his bed and I sat on an office chair not too far from him.

"What about 150?" I'm not even being serious at this point, I'm just procrastinating at this point.

"250"

"Wait for foreals?" I roll myself in front of him almost immediately. Kai side smiles at me but then one of the other frat boys comes into the room.

"Hey, Paul wants to talk to us in the kitchen" Paul is the house dad of the fraternity. Not gonna lie, their frat is kind of full of little shits.

"Ugh, I'll be right back Soobin"

"So you're writing my thesis for 200 right?" He didn't say anything and left so that's probably a no. I smacked my tongue and threw myself on top of his bed.

I came right after my classes so he could help me with my thesis but so far we've just screwed around, which I kind of expected. Also, why is Huening Kai's bed so damn comfy? I close my eyes and let myself sink into the mattress. I'm almost asleep when I feel the mattress dip next to me. I assume Kai is back.

"What happened?" I asked, my eyes still closed.

"Hmm?" He hummed. I open my eyes and look next to me. Beomgyu was laying next to me. I quickly shoot up on my elbows from laying down and scoot a little bit away from him. My eyes are wide and it feels like I'm getting poked my a million needles on my fingers. 

His blonde hair lay flat over of forehead. He had his arms crossed over the chest of his red hoodie. His black pants were saggy. He looks different but still beautiful. Then, as if things couldn't get any worse, he fucking starts laughing.

"What the fuck are you laughing at?" I snap. He's not phased that I cuss at him, in fact, it makes him laugh harder.

"Hahaha, sorry, it's just that you jumped like a little kitty"

"Well, you fucking popped out of nowhere" He stays smiling and tilts his head.

"You always freak out whenever i'm around-" he starts crawling towards me, and I fucking stand up so fast that I almost fall.

"I don't" I argue

"Then sit down" his tone is taunting and the smirk on his face makes me shiver.

"Why the fuck should I listen to you" He rolls his eyes at me. Before I could catch it, he grabs my wrist and forces me to sit back on the bed next to him. 

Oh my god, his touch paralyzes me.

"You just did" Please stop smiling. I don't think my heart can take this. My heart is beating way too fast for the situation.

"What do you want?" my voice breaks, and if he noticed then he didn't let it show.

"What's your name?" He asks. My eyes begin darting everywhere but him. I could hear my heart in my ears. Like heavy drums.

"Choi" oh my god I'm getting dizzy.

"First name?" he asks. I start rapidly blinking hard.

"Soobin" I want to get away from him. Why does he make me feel this way? why does it feel like my heart is getting torn out when i'm around him? I feel weak, I feel terrified. I want to tell him that he fucking freaks me out, but I can't speak anymore. I feel like i'm going to throw up.

"Choi Soobin," he says my name 

"Don't ever fucking say that again" I stand up and move away from him in a swift jerk. I'm fucking pissed. I don't know why but I am. I'm a chill guy, I rarely ever get upset, so why does this boy make me shake why just his stare?

"Don't ever say your name?" he stands up and takes slow steps towards me, almost tauntingly. 

"Yes, don't say it" 

" **Choi** -" he takes one step, "- **Soo** -" he's almost in front of me. My eyes are glued to his lips. I'm praying he stops, but he doesn't. He's in front of me down "- **Bin**."

I fucking lose it.

I tackle him onto the bed, I don't even know why. I want to hurt him, but my body is frozen. I have his arms pinned to his sides and we are staring at each other. My eyes wide, and his watching me. His eyes, they wind me again. **What the fuck am I doing**? this boy is making me act like a freak. 

"Just fucking stay away from me" I get off him and I gather my stuff in a pile and get the fuck out of there, but right before I'm out the door, he speaks again. 

"My name is Beomgyu" just like that, him and I were no longer strangers.


	5. Chapter 5

**_"The stars sure are different here," I say to Lance. The two of us sitting on the roof of the barn house. The stars shined over us, it was so mesmerizing I even doubted if it was real._ **

**_"We're all under the same sky but some parts are more beautiful."_ **

**_"Which part of the sky do you think is the most beautiful?"_ **

**_"Whichever part she's under" His teeth are gritted and his voice is full of hate._ **

"Soobin" I come back to reality. Ryujin stood in front of me, her arms crossed over her chest and her face isn't even trying to hide that she hates having to speak to me. She's chewing her gum obnoxiously loud because she knows it's my pet peeve.

" yeah?" I ask. Her black lick stick covered lips curl up, and I hear her scoff a little.

"Someone is at check out asking about returning some shoes"

"And?"

" **AND** go help them, you've been standing around doing nothing since you got here!" she storms off and I have to scratch my head to wonder why she's pissier today than usual. I was in the stock room 'getting more merchandise' but since Ryujin found me I have to go back up front now.

Three days a week, from 2-8, I work retail at a place that I could never dress. The shop was called 'Margos' and it required their staff to dress formal- suit and all. Except for Ryujin, she basically dresses in black jeans and band shirts all the time, she's able to get away with it though because her grandparents own the store. I'm surprised they didn't fire me when she and I had that nasty break up.

So, the store was empty except for two customers up front. They both had gray hair, one dressed in a suit and tie while the other in baggy jeans and a hoodie. 

"Hi, what can I help you with today?" I say as I round the register. I can see them now, and I freeze.

Beomgyu is standing there, his unreadable eyes staring at me. His hair was dyed different now, and it looks really good on him. I was slightly annoyed though that he and the other man had their hair dyed the same. Although they both looked annoyingly good in it.

"I got these in the wrong color, I need to exchange them" The man has a deep voice which slightly catches me off guard. 

"Okay, do you have the receipt?" 

"Yes, here"

"Okay you can go choose the pair you want to exchange them for"

"Also, take him to the jewelry, he's going to choose something out"The man leaves and Beomgyu and I are left staring at each other. I want to run and tell Ryujin to handle this one, but she despises me and would never. Whatever, I need to stop being dramatic. I still have a job to do.

"It will be right this way sir" I force a smile and start leading the way to the jewelry. Yeah, this isn't so bad. So what? he makes my hands shake. No biggie. In fact, the fact that my bones feel like their going to collapse right now is just me being dramatic, right? 

"What type of material are you interested in?"

"Diamond necklace" I nod in understanding and open the diamond necklace compartment. I bring out some of our most popular ones. He barely even glances at them.

"What are these?"

"Our most popular ones"

"So they're basic? Do I look basic to you Choi Soobin?" I bit the inside on my cheeks, I can feel myself wanting to throw up but I disgustingly swallow it down.

"No sir, what else did you have in mind?"

"Big and shiny." I turn back to the compartment and start looking for 'big and shiny.' I'm still fuming at the way he spoke to me. Does he think I'm stupid? YOU WANT BIG AND SHINY? WELL I'LL GIVE YOU BIG AND SHINY. 

Half of his freaking hoodie is stained with bleach, its weird. The fact that he looks good in it makes it even weirder! If he was basic- well that would be better. Maybe if he were basic I wouldn't feel like I'm going to die when I'm near him. 

I come back with different necklaces this time. His face tells me he's pleased with the new selection and he points at one. 

"I want to try this one on" I take a deep breath and brace myself. The store has a policy that only employees could put jewelry on the guests.

"Okay," I have no choice. 

Then, Beomgyu starts taking off his hoodie.

"What are you doing?" I ask quickly.

"I have to see what they look like on my collar bones" He takes off his hoodie. He wore a large blue t-shirt two sizes too large. The neckpiece almost hanging off his shoulders. He turns around and I got to do my job. Diamonds are shaking between my fingers as I get closer to him.

My hands are shaking so badly that it's a miracle that I managed to put the necklace on him without dropping it. I make the mistake of breathing, and I smell his shampoo. I smell Lilac. Beomgyu gently grabs my hand and spins to face me. He looks at me with those eyes that are pure.. they're void. My body feels nothing, I feel as if i'm a lifeless doll.

"Why do you shake so much when I'm around?" he's still holding my hand, and he moves it to his cheek. My knuckles are tracing his jawline and chin. His skin is soft and cold. Then, he abruptly drops my hand and steps back. He smiles as if nothing happened. He looks off to the side. The man he came with is walking to us now,

"Sorry, I just like the way diamonds feel on my skin" I look at my hands- specifically the diamond ring my grandfather gave me. 

"Is that what you're getting?" The man asks when he reaches him.

"Yes, how do I look?" Beomgyu asks, meanwhile I'm taking deep breathes to keep myself from passing out.

"You look pretty" 

"You're just saying that because you're my brother" The bright lights are making the diamonds around his neck sparkle dramatically- his eyes too.

"He looks pretty right?" The man turns to me.

"Yeah" I was trying so hard to keep breathing that I totally lost ever sense i had. "uh-uh i'll check you out now- check out as in cash, not check out as in look- I MEAN-"

"It's okay, take your time" Beomgyu smirks.


	6. Chapter 6

Strobe lights light up the night club, the music was so loud that I could barley hear myself think, but I liked it.

Fire ball burned my throat as I downed yet another shot. The thing about alcohol is that once you build up your tolerance there is no going back. I learned that the hard way.

"Your poor liver" Huening Kai shouted over the music as he leaned over against the bar counter.

"You going to drink that?" I cock my head towards his drink. He waves his hand telling me to go ahead and I quickly chug it.

"Jeez Soobin, what are you trying to get drunk for?" The answer was Beomgyu. I'm trying to forget what he looks like tonight.

Me and my friends came to the club to celebrate having finished our thesis, and it was supposed to be fun, and it had been, until I went into the bathroom and found Beomgyu fixing his hair in front of the mirror. His curly silver hair and blue eye shadow burned into my mind.

You probably think I reacted by spazzing out, but actually I managed to still piss- although i couldn't breath the whole time. It was especially hard when I had to wash my hands next to him. He didn't say anything to me, I'm not even sure he looked at me. Whatever, that's how it should be anyways. It's best if we stay strangers.

"How come you've hardly drank?" I ask Kai

"Somebody has to be the designated driver" he joked with me. He's right though, Yeonjun and Tae are fucking shit faced wasted somewhere in the club right now and I wasn't drunk but I definitely wasn't sober either.

"What's up with that? The youngest shouldn't be the most responsible"

"Is that a compliment?" He smiles crooked.

"If you want it to be" I lift my hand and signal to the bar tender to get me another shot.

"Should we go find the others to leave?" Kai suggests as the bar tender hands over my shot. I down it, mentally cringing at the burning sensation that I feel when I swallow it.

"Sure" I get off from leaning on the bar and motion for Kai to lead the way while I start putting on my coat. The club isn't horribly packed but I still had to stick close to Kai so that we didn't get separated.

Even in a crowded room, I found him without even trying. Why does he stand out so much? Why did he have to wear the diamond necklace he bought at my job? It's like he wanted all eyes on him from the way his neck shined.

He with a man I don't know- not that I knew much about him or the people around him. Beomgyu looked annoyed, his arms crossed over his chest and the man seems pretty heated about what he's saying, but Beomgyu doesn't seem to care.

Beomgyu suddenly begins to walk away but the man grabs his wrist. The silver haired boy pulled his hand away and said something to the man with a glare, but he didn't seem affected by it and tried pulling Beomgyu in by grabbing his hips. Beomgyu was visibly pissed and tried getting away but he couldn't. He shoves the mans chest.

I don't notice it, but I've walked away from my friend. I'm walking straight to them. Alcohol is fuzzing my head and I'm not even sure myself what I'm going to do.

"-lets just go and talk about this"

"I said I'm not going with you!" Beomgyu snapped.

I reached them, and shoved the man off of Beomgyu.

"Who the fuck are-" He doesn't finish because I punch him in the face. He stumbles backwards into some tables and chairs, blood pouring down his nose.

"Soobin?" Beomgyu is just a confused as me. I'm looking at my fist wondering why I just hit that man. I look at the silver haired boy, his eyes finally have emotion. Shock.

We make eye contact under the strobe lights. My heart palpitating erratically and im caught between running away and asking if he's okay.

"I thought you said you didn't have a boyfriend" the man gets up, covering his nose. "Fucking slut"

"What the fuck did you just call me?" Beomgyu spits.

Something about hearing these words fucking piss me off. I shove the man back so hard he falls onto the ground and then I start kicking him him his stomach, ribs, anywhere my foot could hit.

"You're going to kill him stop! He's not worth it!" Beomgyu pulls me back by my coat and grabs my wrist.

I finally realize what I'm doing. There's a man on the floor bleeding and people are watching. I even think some people are calling the cops. I don't know how to react, but I guess I got lucky because Beomgyu reacted for the both of us. He drags us out of the club.

...

We are sitting on a park bench in the middle of the night. Neither of us said anything. I felt bound to my seat and couldn't leave- plus Beomgyu has my coat on.

He didn't have a coat or anything, but I had both a sweater and hoodie on under my coat.

My buzz is wearing off and I feel myself begin to get antsy.

"Hey, pass me my cigs and lighter in my right pocket" I say to him. He gives me a look before reaching in and pulling out what I asked for. I reach for it but he holds it back from my reach.

He then pulls a single cigarette out and hands it to me. I put the cigarette between my lips and hold my hand out for my lighter.

"Can I light it?" He suddenly asks.

I'm hesitant but also desperate for a drag so I agree "Just don't lose the lighter, it's my favorite"

He leans in close to light me off, the only thing between us is cancer and fire.

I inhale deeply, feeling myself calm down once the nicotine sets in.

"Why did you do that?" Beomgyu speaks up.

"Do what?" I play stupid

"Lash out on the man"

"I don't know what the fuck you're talking about" I refuse to acknowledge it.

"Seriously? You don't remember almost killing him?"

"What does it matter anyways, I was just helping you out because my friend likes you" I say bitterly while inhaling more smoke.

"What about you?"

"What do you mean?"

"Do you like me?" I refrain the urge to laugh.

"What kind of question is that?"

"Just curiosity- I mean, why would you do that if you didn't like me?"

"Stop saying weird shit. Look, I'll be nice I won't tell Yeonjun about that man this time but you need to choose one or the other"

"I don't give a shit if you tell him, I'm not his boyfriend"

"You know he likes you, right?"

"Why are you telling me someone else likes me? That doesn't seem like any of your business"

"My friend is my business" I snap back

"Okay then" Beomgyu looks up at the moon. I could see his breath.

"Why did you not bring a coat?"

"I like the cold. I have a theory I should have been born in the Winter"

"So why did you take my jacket if you like the cold!"

"Because I wanted to wear it" He sticks out his tongue teasingly. a car pulls up across the street on the sidewalk. Beomgyu begins taking off my jacket and hands it back to me.

"I'm going now"

"Okay" he grabs my hand and kisses my knuckles softly. I don't even do anything because every time he touches me I freeze.

"Next time don't hurt anybody, I can take care of myself. See you later." I want to tell him that there won't be a next time or later but I can't bring myself to say those words. He jogs across the street and gets into the car.

I reach into my right coat pocket for my cigarettes and lighter, but they're not there.

I could see Beomgyu sparking my lighter as the car drives off.


	7. Chapter 7

Ever since Beomgyu took my ciggarettes and lighter I couldn't stop shaking. I'm not even cold. At first I thought it was withdrawls from nicotine but no matter how much I smoke, I'm still shaking. I have a theory that it's because Beomgyu took my cigs and favorite lighter. Why does everything seem to revolve around him since I saw him at the party?

To make things worse (or better from whatever persepective you see it) Beomgyu has dissapeared into thin air. He's no longer at parties next to Yeonjun, whenever I got to clubs or bars he isn't in the bathrooms. I was at least relieved about that, but ticked off because it meant I wasn't getting my things back anytime soon.

"Woah, are you cold?" Huening Kai asked me one afternoon while we were at the mall.

"Not really, I don't know why i'm shaking" I say honesty.

"You should go get checked at a doctor"

"It's not like I'm dying"

"You're just shaking uncomfortably for no reason"

"Isn't it almost time for your interview?"

"YOURE RIGHT" Huening Kai jumps off of the mall bench and races to his job interview.

He asked me to come with him because I had a car and also because he needed emotional support- but mostly because I have a car.

I sigh and look down at my shaking hands. I looked like a fucking addict going through withdrawals. I haven't even been able to sleep properly because I keep having nightmares of him.

It's always the same dream. I'm standing on the edge of a cliff, looking down at water smashing against rocks with hard waves. Then I look to my side and Beomgyu is there, staring at me. His stare feelings suffocating and then I fall. I die.

Saying it doesn't give it justice. The visuals themselves aren't horrid- it's the feeling. The feeling of suffocation, of fear.

I angrily shove my shaking hands on the pocket of my hoodie and stand up to walk around. Kai would be in his job interview for a while I'm guessing so I might as well kill time.

I kept thinking of my dream in flashes. The waves crashing against the rocks, the gray atmosphere, his dark emotionless eyes, each memory putting a sharp pain in my head. I even went as far as hitting my head with my hand to try to get some other pain besides what he was making me feel.

In the midst of my pain, I see him. He stands out so much that it's impossible to not notice him.

Beomgyu is wearing black sweats and a sleeveless green sequin jersey. His gray hair was styled curly, and he of course wore the necklace he bought at my job.

He wasn't alone, he was with two other guys and a girl. They were heading inside a clothing store, and my instincts took over.

I really wasn't thinking when I sped to the store, and I definitely wasn't thinking when I grabbed Beomgyu and forced him inside a dressing room with me, locking the door behind me.

As if I weren't acting crazy enough, when I forced Beomgyu inside I basically threw him in. His back hitting the mirror in there and cracking it.

"What the shit- Soobin?" Beomgyu didn't seem angry that I threw him in here, in fact, there was a smile tugging his lips that pissed me off.

"Where is it?" I get straight to the point.

"Wow I wonder how much this costs" Beomgyu runs his index finger over the cracked mirror.

"Are you fucking listening!" I pull him back by his shoulders to make him look at me, but then I hear him gasp and he grips his finger. His face is uncomfortable.

"Fuckkkk" He groans

"What's wrong?" I feel myself panic for a second

"I cut myself" he holds up his bleeding finger and then puts it against his lips to suck the blood.

"That's gross"

"So"

"Look man, I just need my cigarettes and lighter, I'm going crazy without them" Beomgyu stares at me for a second before speaking.

"Okay, come to my house and get them"

"Why can't you just give them to me now?"

"Because I don't carry around your stuff with me. If you want it so bad then come and get it"

"You're the one who took it why do I have to go out of my way for them!"

"You don't have to go out of your way, you can just come home with me" he winked at me.

"Your lips"

"What about them?"

"There's blood on them" He runs his tongue across them, smearing it around. His lips were the color of blood. The thought made me shake even more than I already was.

"Soobin, are you okay?" He takes a step towards me.

"I'm okay, just stay back" I push myself against the door, putting as must distance between us as possible.

"Stay back? You're the one who threw me in here" he crosses his arms over his chest.

"What the fuck why does it smell like roses" I begin to breathe from my mouth.

"It's probably my perfume"

"I hate the smell of roses"

"What did roses ever do to you?"

"They just smell too strong"

"So you're going to come to my house with me to get it it?"

"I can't, I'm with Huening Kai today I can't leave him"

"Huening Kai? Why are you with him?"

"Don't worry about it, I just need my stuff back" His face turns sour.

"What's your number so I can send you my address" I'm hesitant to give it to him but realize I have to if I want my stuff back.

He sends a message to me and my phone buzzes and once we're sure that I have the right address I get out of there.

I speed back to where Kai was having his interview.

"Hey, where did you go?" Huening Kai was by the bench where I was supposed to be.

"I went to use the bathroom, how did it go?" He smiles wide.

"I start next Monday"

"GOODJOB!" I wrap an arm around his shoulders and pull him in close before rubbing his head to mess up his hair.

"Agh stooopp!" He's smiling.

"Let's go celebrate with some food"

"But we ate before we came here"

"So?"

"Okay, okay, sheesh- oh you're not shaking as bad as before" he points out what I had yet to notice. I look at my hands which are still shaking but only slightly now. My headache also has went away. I feel better, but not great.

"That's weird..." I trail off.

"It's a good thing!"

"Yeah...I guess it is..."


	8. Chapter 8

"I'm outside," I said to Beomgyu over the phone the second he answered

"Okay then knock and come in" He said in a duh tone.

"Why the fuck would I go inside for my lighter and cigs. Just come bring them to me." I hear him let out an annoyed sigh before he hangs up. Im sitting in my car in front of his house. His house was just as I expected. Big and flashy, in fact, I wouldn't even be surprised if his room was the one with the balcony. 

When I see him leaving his house I roll down hos window. It was well into winter now and he was in shorts and a pink sweatshirt. His bangs held back by pastel poppy pins. He takes his time coming over to me, his hands in his pockets, and a smug tug of a smile on his lips. 

I hate that I think he looks good. I hate that I have to force myself to look at my steering wheel so that I would stop staring. 

"Goodmorning" He leans over my open window. His hair smelled like mint, it was so strong that the scent filled my car. I had to refrain from shoving him away from me because while I really wanted him to get the fuck away from me, he really hasn't done anything to me so I couldn't be too mean. 

"It's almost 5 PM" I lean a little away from him. I notice water droplets dripping from his hair and down the sides of his face.

"Oh really? the sun has been covered by clouds for weeks that time as become a little warped for me. I just woke up you know"

"Did you also shower?"

"Yep" He smiles. It's really pretty and leaves me disgusted. 

"Do you have my stuff?" Beomgyu rolls his eyes and pulls out his hands from his pocket. His right hand held my cigarettes, and his left hand had my lighter. He hands my pack first and I snatch it from him, my hands shaking as I shove one of the cancer sticks between my lips, I already feel less shaky. 

I reach for my lighter next but Beomgyu pulls his hand back, only to bring it back to light my cigarette. I'm so desperate that I just let him do whatever he wants.

I inhale and immediately get into a better mood.

Just then a call comes through. My phone was connected to my blue-tooth stereo, and on the screen showed Huening Kai's contact name and a picture he took of us. In the picture we were at a pool party, I was sitting on the beach chair when he came and sat on me and took the horrid picture, he was smiling and I was glaring at the screen.

I answer the call.

"Whats up?" I put him on speaker.

"What are you doing?" I glance at Beomgyu.

"Nothing important, do you need something?" 

"I got out of class early, and the busses don't come until way later, do you think you could pick me up?"

"Sure, I'll be there in a few"

"Okay thanks a lot, Bin! oh and you're coming to the kickback at Felix's tonight right?" 

"Uhhh"

"Shut up you already know you're coming because I asked! message me when you get here, byeee" and he hangs up.

I reach for my lighter but Beomgyu still doesn't give it back.

"I just got an idea..." 

"What is it?"

"If you want your cigarettes lit with this lighter again then you come to me"

"What the fuck, that's a horrible idea! give it back!" He fucking smiles and turns around, running back into his house. This whole trip was all for nothing because I'm shaking again. 

...

_"What was America like?" I asked Lance one morning while we were milking the cows. I hated this the most, so I just sat in front of the same cow and waited until my uncle milked the rest._

_"It's weird, everyone likes talking to each other and nobody can mind their own business"_

_"That sounds annoying"_

_"It does but thats the American charm. Here if a strange girl suddenly started talking to me then I would tell her to fuck off, but it wasn't like that in America"_

_"Why? what's so different about American girls from Korean girls?"_

_"Korean girls are... they're cute. They're small and quiet, and they giggle a lot and they mind their business- they're like flowers, then you cross an ocean and you meet.. you meet girls who like to eat four burgers in one sitting. Girls with short curly hair. They're loud and ask you about your day but then end up talking about their day instead. She's excited about everything until she's not, and when you're not around her listening to her complain it feels like your body is being crushed." I was confused, he spoke these words with such love, but they didn't sound lovely, and his face didn't look lovely. His face looked pain._

_"See, Soobin, some girls are like flowers, and others are named after them."_

"What are you always alone for?!" Huening Kai jumps in the seat next to me. I'm sitting on the back steps, away from the people inside. The kickback very quickly turns into a party. 

"I don't know, I got bored"

"Because you left right before the keg" He laughs. I could smell alcohol on his breath but I knew Huening Kai could handle his alcohol. He could probably drink more than me and still be able to walk a straight line. 

I exhale a hot breath and watch my breath leave me. 

"Do you think you could live like this forever?" I ask him.

"Live like what?"

"From party to party. Do you think you'd be okay with it?"

"Hell yeah, I wanna be 87 and watching my friends down shots, that sounds amazing, don't you think?" It really didn't. Lately, I've been going through a stump. Everything bores me and it's hard for me to even write one page without someone forcing me. I'm terrified nothing is going to change. I'm terrified i'm going to finish school and get a job and still feel the same; miserable and bored.

"Yeah, that would be cool"

"If you think so then come inside! it's too cold outside I hate it!" Huening Kai pats my thigh and gets up. I follow him unenthusiastically back into the party. 

We enter through the kitchen and end up in the living room. The thing about Felix is that he loves neon a little way too much. Every light in his house was a neon light. His living room was hot pink. I stand next to Kai, and for a while everything is fine. I'm talking to my friends, and sort of having a good time, but something still feels off. 

In the corner of my eye, I catch sight of something and look it's direction without thinking. In the corner I see Beomgyu sitting on the couch next to some guy with a dragon tattoo on his neck. He's wearing a tight long sleeved turtle neck with a pink harness over it. His curly hair fell across his forehead. 

He doesn't see me looking, he's too intrigued into the conversation taking place in the circle he was sitting with. 

"So why aren't you with Beomgyu? didn't you guys come together"I come back to my friend's conversation? Taehyun was the one who had asked the question to Yeonjun.

"He has his own friends too" Yeonjun defends him, but I could see how much he wishes he was the one sitting next to Beomgyu. I don't understand him. How does he crave being in Beomgyu's presence while I feel like I'm going to die whenever it's in my case.

"If you like him so much you should ask him out on a date" Kai chimes in. 

"He's not really one to date... but I think I'm going to go for it when he graduates high school" 

"HE'S IN HIGH SCHOOL?!" I literally yell, but thanks to the loud music it didn't come out heard by anyone besides my friend group.

"You didn't know?" Kai asks in disbelief. 

"He graduates in four months though- and he was held back a year. He would have been a freshman in college this year" 

"See because you defend it, it's what makes it so weird" Kai explained to our friend. I was sick of this conversation already.

"I'm gonna go get a drink," I said and headed to the kitchen. 

The kitchen light was red, which made it kind of hard for an intoxicated person to maneuver around. I needed water so bad that I used my cup that still had some beer in it. I fill up the cup with water from the sink and chug it. I'm too drunk to care about how disgusting it tasted. 

Beomgyu suddenly comes stumbling into the kitchen. He's laughing to himself and holding onto the walls. He stops laughing when we make eye contact, and it's kind of awkward because neither of us says anything to each other.

He goes all the way to the back door but struggles to open the door. It pisses me off so much that I smack my tongue and open the door myself. I accidentally open it too hard that it hits Beomgyu's face, and since he's so drunk it knocks him back onto the ground, and i actually feel really bad. 

"What's your fucking problem?!" He yells

"Shit I'm sorry" 

"Whatever man, just fucking help me outside, yeah?" I felt bad enough to not argue, and you know what? he really did need help to get to the back. He was so drunk he was falling while I was holding him up. I sit him on the steps. I feel like an ass just leaving him like this so I sit next to him.

"Aren't you cold?" His turtle neck looked more like for fashion than warmth. 

"Not really, the cold doesn't bother me" He's leaning his head his knees.

"Thats weird" 

"It's probably because I was supposed to be born in winter. I was born two months late" 

"Do you really believe that?" He turns his head to me and smiles. 

"What does it matter if I do or don't? it doesn't change anything" 

"Oh my god, are you those people who get really emo when they're drunk" 

"Yeessss I ammm"

"At least you admit it" I laugh a little. Beomgyu suddenly lets out a gasp and sits up straight. 

"Choi Soobin did I just make you laugh?!" He says my name and I'm going fight of flight mode again. 

"Your thought process is fucking stupid," I say

"What do you mean?"

"I was born in winter but I still get fucking cold, I'm freezing, so I'm going to go inside now" I speed back to my friends. I could have fallen on my way and hot my head on a million different things, and I would have been okay with it. But it's not my time to die, so I have to push through these horrible feelings. 

My friends have moved to the couch area. I could either sit next to Kai or Yeonjun, and I choose Kai because he usually makes me feel better since we had been friends the longest.

"Does anyone have a light?" I ask while putting the cigarette between my lips. Felix doesn't care about people smoking in his house since he does it too. 

Someone goes to light my cigarette. I follow the arm to see who it belonged to so that I could thank them, but then I realize that it's my lighter in their hands. It was Beomgyu. His hair looked like he ran his hand through it and pushed it back, it wasn't as curly and neat as when I left it, and his harness was thrown over his shoulders.

I can't look away. My eyes follow his every movement. Him, tossing his harness onto the ground and walking over and sitting on Yeonjuns lap. We kept eye contact the entire time.

"H-hey" Yeonjun is stuttering and visibly shook that his crush was sitting on him.

"Hey" 


	9. Chapter 9

A feeling of discomfort settles inside my chest. My hands itching for something but I'm not sure for what. I had to grit my teeth to keep myself still.

Looking at Beomgyu made me feel even more jittery. I looked down at my hands and began picking at my skin- a nasty habit I picked up back in middle school.

Huening Kais pretty hands land over mine to stop me. I looked up at him and he smiled at me to tell me I was okay. It didn't make me feel better but it made me more aware.

Beomgyu whispers something inside Yeonjuns ear. I could see how much it affected him, he stuttered and blinks nervously. Beomgyu smiles at him and looks at me. Red lighting enhanced his features- thick lashes and full lips. Without warning when I stand up.

I don't tell anyone where I'm going I just leave. Somehow I maneuver my way through the crowed of bodies, the floor spinning and walls moving. I end up inside a bathroom washing my face with cold water. In the mirror I can see my pupils dilated and I'm paler than usual. I'm convinced he's the reason I'm like this. Pale and shaky.

Him. Beomgyu. The fucking silver haired boy that keeps popping into my life.

I must have jinxed myself because I forgot to lock the door and Beomgyu bursts in. He shuts the door and leans his body against it, he looks like he's going to have a mental breakdown but when he sees me his eyes light up and straightens up.

"Fouunnnd youuu" he sang drunkenly.

"I was never lost" I lean against the sink, drying my hands on my pants.

"Sure you weren't" he says sarcastically before clamping a hand over his mouth and stumble to the toilet. His head was in the toilet and the sounds he was making sounded like he was actually puking up his insides. Choking, gasping, crying, all at once. His hands gripped the sides of the toilet so tight that his knuckles were turning white. He pulls back and lays down against the tile floor, staring up at the blue neon lights.

"Beomgyu? Are you okay?" He doesn't answer me. He looks at me but then looks away. This pisses me off.

"You're just going to ignore me?"

"What the fuck do you care anyways" my fists clench and I feel so pissed that I have TI refrain from smashing the mirror.

"You're right, I don't fucking care" I'm almost out the door when-for whatever reason- I look back.

Beomgyu is no longer on the ground, he's leaning out an open window.

"FUCK YOU! I'LL FUCK YOU UP I SWEAR I WILL"

"What are you doing?" I walk over to him and the window to see who he was threatening.

He was yelling at a fucking cat.

"You're drunk, stop"

"I'm gonna go fight him"

"No you're not" He turns his face up at me, I could smell the alcohol on his breath.

"Let's backtrack to when I asked for your permission- OH RIGHT I DIDNT!" He continues climbing through the window into the alley.

"Fine whatever, fuck you! Hope you freeze!" Hes already out the window now. I turn around and start leaving the restroom but I stop, and I can't move forward.

Maybe I didn't want to go forward, perhaps I wanted to go back, I don't know, I never understand anything when it comes to him but all I know Is I don't want him out there without a jacket. It's pissing me off that I'm caring this much but it will piss me off even more if I don't know if he's okay, so I do what any idiot would do, and I climb out the window, following after him.

Climbing through windows was easier when I was 14 and still five foot five, but now being over six feet, I struggle. When getting onto the gravel I stumble a little to get my balance back. I look around and see Beomgyu not to far away, still following after the cat.

He was stumbling like an alcoholic who couldn't hold his liquor. I keep a steady pace going towards him until he collapses on his knees- that's when I pick up my pace.

"Idiot" I say as I take off my jacket and drape it around him, it might as well have been a blanket to him.

"Who the fuck-" Beomgyu jerks his head up. He stops mid sentence and smiles.

"Why are you smiling like that?" I lift him off the ground onto his feet.

"I knew you'd come after me" I didn't know what to say to that

"Just start walking"

"Wheeerre are we going?"

"To take you home"

"Why?"

"Cause you're a drunk teenager"

"I'm only one year younger than you!" His tone was mocking.

"Shut up. This is all your fault, why don't you ever wear jackets? You need to start, don't be irresponsible"

"You really don't listen to anything I say huh" His voice gets softer-sad even, then he looks away.

We're out of the alley now and are walking alongside the road. We were by the middle school and around it was a metal fence that Beomgyu was walking alongside next to.

"You believing you were supposed to be born in winter doesn't justify not wearing a jacket"

"You know for someone who acts like he hates my guts, you sure do care a lot about me"

"Who said I cared about you?" He smiles and looks up at the moon.

"Why else would you climb through a window and follow me into a dark alley?" Beomgyu stops walking and turns his body towards me, his dark eyes making eye contact with mine, paralyzing me "Why would you?" He asks again.

"I don't know" I answer honestly

"Why do you freak out whenever I'm near you?"

How do I tell him that he makes me feel like I'm going to die? That every time I'm arm d him my lips feel like they're full of flowers, each breath hurting me. I don't hate him, but something about him is alluring and I hate it. I hate the effect he has on me.

"Cause you're a freak"

I'll admit my words came out really shitty, but I didn't have the courage the say anything else. We stood for what seemed like forever under the stars in the cold winter hair. I could see his breath as he inhaled and exhaled from his nose.

"You're an asshole" He starts moving in a faster pace to get away from me. He's only waking a foot ahead of me, and I try to not let it bother me.

I refrain from grabbing him and telling him to stop being over dramatic, and I almost give in, until he suddenly stops.

He's tugging his arm and it takes me a second to realize what happened. He got my jacket caught in the fence.

He struggles momentarily to tug his arm free, "Do you need help?" I ask

"If I did I defiantly **wouldn't** need help from you" he spat bitterly and he tried to free his arm. I don't say anything and move in front of him and begin to untangle my jacket.

"You walk like a waltz yet you're always stumbling and getting caught"

"Don't make me sound like a damsel in distress"

"Then don't get yourself caught in situations like these"

"Technically I wouldn't be in this situation if you hadn't given me your jacket"

"Don't fucking paint me out to be the bad guy, If it weren't for me then you'd be out here freezing"

"I didn't tell you to do this"

"I know and that's why I'm pissed!" Then he kisses me.

How beautiful, yet terrifying it felt to have his lips warm mine under the moonlight.

Our lips slowly disconnect and I'm staring down at him speechless.

All this time I've been wanting him as far away from me as possible, but then why did that kiss feel so wonderful? He makes me feel like I'm going to die yet he makes me feel on top of the world at the same time.

"What the fuck" my voice cracks and I wonder if he could feel my fingers shaking around his wrists.


	10. Chapter 10

"D-don't do that," I say as I gently push him off of me.

"Why?!" Beomgyu stops his foot like a child. He huffs out a breath of cold foggy air.

"Because just don't! it's weird!" weird because it actually wasn't horrible.

His face hardens, jaw clenched and eyes glaring. His hands clenched in fists and shaking. " **You're the worst**."

I roll my eyes "Yeah yeah, let's just get you home"

"I don't need you to take me home! I'll take myself! in fact, take back your stupid jacket back too!" he angrily pries it off of him and throws it at me. Beomgyu turns around and takes off in a quick and angry pace, still stumbling every now and then. I groan and follow the idiot.

"Do you even know where you're going?" He's a few feet ahead of me so I had to call out.

" _Do you_?" My common sense is telling me to say screw it and leave him on his own, but I can't bring myself to do it. First of all, he's drunk, add on his stupidity and the way he's dressed- Woah wait why do I care about how he's dressed? I don't, I'm just being a good person, right? I totally don't care that his turtle neck fits his body perfectly and I totally don't care if other people see him like that. Ugh, I'm not even convincing myself.

Okay fine, I do care. I don't know why yet, but I do. I guess I just don't want to wake up one day and see his beautiful face on the back of a milk carton- ugh I've had too much to drink, I'm not even thinking straight.

I continue following behind him, fighting with my thoughts. We end up walking down a strip of bars. People going in and out, hanging out outside smoking or doing god knows what. At this point, I pick up my pace.

"Beomgyu come on dude stop being dramatic" He throws up a middle finger and picks up his pace. I get sidetracked because a group of drunk girls is crossing in front of me, which separates me from Beomgyu's view. They pass and I look around for him. He's a little up ahead, talking to a man. The way he's looking at Beomgyu pisses me off, and I'm already making my way towards them, but then they go inside the bar. The man has his hand on Beomgyu's lower back and I'm fucking shaking.

I try to figure out how I ended up here. In a bar looking for some dumb high school kid. I can't even recognize myself. With each second passing and me not finding him, I'm getting angrier and impatient. How is it that every other time before that I didn't want to see him I found him with ease, but now that I'm looking for him he's gone without a trace.

Then, I find him. He's leaning over the bar counter with the same man. He has a drink in his hand and is laughing at something the guy said.

"Let's go" I put my hand on his shoulder to get his attention, I don't even remember walking over to him, I'm so pissed I'm blacking out randomly.

Beomgyus eyes widen slightly but then they're glaring at me again.

"I already told you I can get home by myself" he jerks his shoulder away from my touch and it makes me beyond pissed.

"Yeah, this sure looks like your home. Quit acting like an immature child!"

"Fuck off kid, you're getting in the way" The man rests a hand on my shoulder. I grab his arm and spin around, slamming his face down into the bar counter and twisting his arm behind his back.

" **What am I getting in the way of?** " I feel like an animal ready to tear this man apart.

"Ahh! Fucking let go! Let go!"

"Fucking say it! I want to hear exactly what you want with him" I put more pressure on his face.

"Nothing! I didn't want anything! let go!"

"Fucking liar! When I let go you better fucking run or the next thing I'm smashing your face into is the cement" I throw him to the side onto the ground where he belongs. The man stumbles to stand and runs off like a dog with his tail between his legs.

I spun around and Beomgyu is still there, staring at me with a dazed look. I thought he was drunk before but now he could barely even stand. Around me I'm receiving questionable stares from the scene I just caused. All the stares weird me out and I want to get out of there more than ever.

I grab Beomgyu's wrist and yank him through the crowded bar until we're outside again. He's stumbling trying to keep up but my mind is completely blank.

"W-wait..." he's stumbling to keep up with my speed walking. I don't listen, too pissed and embarrassed to sympathize with his drunken state "Soobin stop!" and him saying my name is an effective way to getting me to stop. It freezes me. The gray-haired boy leans his back into the concrete wall and slides down to have his head on his knees. I awkwardly scratch the back of my ear.

"You okay?"

"The stars keep spinning" He mumbles. 

"Are you really not cold?" I ask him.

"No." despite his words, I still put my jacket around his shoulders again.

"Look... it's really late, we really should get you home" he doesn't look at me, he just nods his head and I help him stand. I hold him up by wrapping my arm around his waist and his hand holds onto my wrist for support. Without another exchange of words, we start walking. 

...

_Summer nights were cooler than summer days, but not by much. I had spent most of the night tossing and turning until finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I kicked my bedsheets off of me and set off downstairs for a glass of cool water._

_Immediately I noticed the front door open, revealing the shut screen door. The blue light of the moonlighting the hall and my feet carried me to the front door. Lance is sitting on the front porch steps, I notice a bottle of whiskey next to him. His head in his hands._

_"Lance?" I open the screen door and take a seat next to him "Why are you so sad?" I ask him. He takes his hands away from his face and looks up at the moon._

_"I had an accident"_

_"What kind of accident?"_

_"The kind that makes your heart skip"_

_"You had a heart attack?" He laughs slightly._

_"No.. I had a Daisy"_

_"A flower?"_

_"No, a girl?"_

_"Is that why you're sad? you were in love with her?"_

_" **Love**?" He laughs dryly "Listen Soobin, Love doesn't exist. Just curiosity that never goes away- and you know what they say. **Curiosity killed the cat.** " He takes another drink from the bottle, some of it drips down his chin "Love is an alias for accidents and pain. Think about it, all these books and songs talk about their heart skipping beats and their faces blushing but-but they never talk about the real stuff. They never mention that this so-called "love" suffocates you, it makes your body frozen with fear, leaves you so fucking vulnerable and weak- like a car accident. What's so great about suffering? Do you want to suffer Soobin? Do you?" His drunken eyes look at me._

_"No.." I shake my head._

_"Of course you don't. You know why? because it's not worth it. Promise me you won't have an accident like I did, Soobin. Not unless you want to suffer a slow painful death like I am" I wondered what could have happened to him to make him say such sad and angry things. What had Daisy done to his heart? All I knew is I didn't want the same fate._

_"I won't. I promise."_

...

"Where are your parents?" I ask Beomgyu as we go up the stairs to his room. His house was dark and empty. 

"I live with my brother and his boyfriend... I don't know where they are."

"Which is your room" 

"The last one on the right" Still holding him up, I kick his door open, turn on the lights and lead him inside, setting him down on his bed. He laid on his back, arms covering his face.

"It's still spinning" He groans

"You're probably going to have a hangover over too." He removes his hands and looks at me. His eyes are dark and unreadable again.

"I don't understand you" 

"What do you mean?"

"One second you're calling me a freak, and the next your face slamming a guy cause he hinted at wanting to get with me" I scratch the back of my ear.

"I don't get it either"

"Do you like me?"

"No" I answer immediately despite not thinking of my answer. He smiles and covers his face with his arms again.

"Good... you couldn't handle me anyway."

"What makes you think that?" I know I shouldn't ask questions. I brought him home, he's in bed, it was my cue to leave, but he takes all common sense I have and throws it out the window. 

"My soul is too rotten for anyone."


	11. Chapter 11

"I think our professor is cheating on his wife," 

"I think that most of the professors are having an affair" 

"No, but look, it's with one of the male students" Yeonjun emphasizes the male part. 

"That's a wild accusation Yeonjun" Taehyun enters the conversation

"I know it though. During class I see them exchanging glances-"

"So you're paying attention to a love affair rather than paying attention to class?" Taehyun scolds.

"Our professor is literally involved in the love affair- henceforth why I notice it. I have to pay attention to him but meanwhile, he's paying attention to the other one" The blue-haired boy defends himself.

"I don't know, you still sound like a creep to me" Taehyun continues to tease.

"SINCE WHEN DID I BECOME A CREEP?!"

"What do you think about all this?" I think that part was directed to me so I look up. 

"Huh? oh its cool" I tell Huening Kai before turning back down to conversation on my phone that just took place a few minutes ago.

Soobin: Hey.

Beomgyu: :O

Beomgyu: to who do i owe this pleasure? 

Soobin: we need to talk 

Beomgyu: yikes 

Soobin: y did u kiss me?

Beomgyu: does it matter?

Soobin: y else would i be asking?

Beomgyu: you realllyyy wanna know?

Soobin: yeah

Beomgyu: come to the high school football field at 1 and i'll tellll :)))

Soobin: why would I go all the way there?! theres a reason messaging exists.

Soobin: hello?

Soobin: you're unbelievable

Beomgyu stops responding and reading the messages after that, leaving mewith a growing headache, far worse than what I had before. Ever since the kiss, I hadn't been able to stop thinking about him. I dreamt about his eyes, I would turn his head if he caught sight of gray hair. Often, hell I even caught myself touching my lips, the curiosity of feeling them again getting the best of me. A few days ago I couldn't be in the same room as the gray-haired boy, but now I needed to be with him. I needed answers, and I guess starting with the kiss is as good as a place to start.

The clock was nearing 1pm, and the drive to the high school would be a while. If i'm going to go, then I better leave right now. As I stand up I grab my book back.

"Where are you going?" Yeonjun asks me, the whole group turning to look at me.

"Nowhere important just got to take care of some things" of course I have to lie. What am I supposed to say? Oh yeah, i'm going to go see your crush as school to talk about why he kissed me, see you class tomorrow! Yeah. No.

...

I don't even listen to music on the drive to the high school. No thoughts going through my mind either . It's not until I park in the school parking lot that I start wondering if I should be doing this. My hands squeeze the steering wheel and the angel and devil have a short fight on my shoulders

"Fuck it" I say before removing the keys from the ignition and gets out, slamming the door shut. The cold air hits my face and I begin walking in hope to gain some warmth.

My hands are stuffed inside the pockets of my brown coat when I reach the football field. Its empty and I start getting angry because I think I was stood up.

"You actually came" I hear Beomgyu's voice and turn the direction of the voice where I see the gray haired boy walking down the bleachers. He's wearing a red and black stripped long sleeved shirt, black jeans, and his hair curly. As he approaches me I can see he has on red eyeshadow.

"Yeah" I'm a fucking coward, I don't know what to say. I never knew what to say. How stupid do I have to be to just show up here without anything to say?

His clothes don't look warm, they never do, yet he's standing perfectly fine.

"Aren't you cold?" I ask him

"I never am"

"Well I am.."

...

He suggested we go inside or to my car, I chose my car obviously. I had already done my four year in high school, there was no need to go in there again.

"Why are you being weird" Beomgyu blurts out.

"How am I being weird?" My tone is defensive.

"You're the one who said we needed to talk but there doesn't seem to be any talking"

"You already know what I wanted to talk about"

"I kissed you because you're hot" I choked on my words, not used to this straight forwardness.

Most people blush when asked about kisses, or giggle and play stupid or something like that, but Beomgyu just say things like that.

"That's it?"

"Yeah"

"... really?" I feel my blood start to boil.

"Do I need any other-"

"You can fucking do that!" I yell at him

"Woah Soobin, why are you getting so worked up?"

"Because you fucking kissed me! You can't just kiss someone like that, it's irresponsible and cruel, not to mention selfish. One of my best friends really like you and if he knew we kissed he'd be so pissed, how can you just kiss me so irresponsibly! Just because you're in high school doesn't mean you need to fucking act like it!"

"Hey fuck you, if you hated it that much then fine, we won't ever mention it again but don't fucking yell at me as if you have a fucking right to."

"IM NOT YELLING BECAUSE I HATED IT IM YELLING BECAUSE I DIDN'T" 

"...you said you didn't like me"

"I don't"

"Then what do you call those feelings"

"Not like. That's for sure. You... you do things to me that don't feel good. You make my hands shake, and my body sweat. I feel like I'm going to die when I'm with you- even without you. Without you my head hurts, with you my head hurts, oh god I can't even be still in my bed because you're in my fucking head!" I drop my head against my steering wheel. My heart thumping harshly against my chest after saying all my feelings out loud.

"You're not the only one confused Soobin"

"What do you mean?" I look up at Beomgyu.

"HEY!" A boy suddenly appears on the passenger side. He has blonde hair and is waves at Beomgyu before pointing at the watch on his wrist.

"Ah shit.. look I have to go to class, I can't be late again" he hand go to open the car door.

"What did you mean when you said I wasn't the only one confused?"

"Let's meet up later and I'll explain" he smiles at me before getting out.

The boy and him exchange some words before they start walking inside together. The blonde turns back and sends me a dark look before turning back, placing his hand on the small of Beomgyu's back.

I didn't like that at all.


	12. Chapter 12

**3rd POV**

Soobin: meet at [xxx] cafe at 5 pm

seen! 3:54 pm

Beomgyu didn't reply but it didn't upset Soobin that much. If anything he was thankful he would have another interaction with Beomgyu until necessary. He doesn't understand his feelings and it's freaking him out.

Soobin is wondering why he has to do this. He just needs to completely avoid Beomgyu long enough for him to forget about him. Maybe he wouldn't be able to completely avoid him but he should do his part of staying the fuck away. So, like the jerk was (and knows) he decides to not show up at the cafe and doesn't even bother texting Beomgyu to tell him it was off.

"My mom keeps asking me when I'm going to get married," Kai says while looking through a rack of clothing. 

"Thats gross" Soobin says nonchalantly. He's looking at the price tag of a shirt.

"What? me getting married?"

"no. Marriage in general" Huening Kai rolls his eyes. 

"I think it's a beautiful thing. What do you have against love?" 

"Nothing! I think love is alright, I just don't think it's my thing" Soobin reaches into his pocket for his pack pf cigarettes. 

"Fair enough, but you probably just haven't fallen in love yet"

"And that reason is exactly why I think it's not for me. Everyone at least has had a crush by now, but not me" 

"What? didn't you like Ryujin?"

"Fuck no! I just needed a job"

"Oh my god you're a horrible person" Kai laughs half-serious. 

"I know, but like at least i'm honest you know" Soobin puts a cigarette in his mouth and sparkes his new red lighter.

"HEY YOU CAN'T SMOKE IN HERE! THE CLOTHES ARE FLAMMABLE GET OUT GET OUT!" The store clerk yells at the two boys. Soobin gets annoyed and lights his cigarette and flips the lady off as he takes a drag of the cancer stick, all while Kai is shoving his friend out while apologetically smiling to the worker.

"Fuck Soobin, are you okay? you've been pissier today"

"I'm fine" Soobin takes another drag and checks the time. It was 6:01 PM. Long after he and Beomgyu were supposed to meet, and Soobin wonders if Beomgyu even showed up, and if he did, was he still there? 

"You sure?" Kai rubs his arms, shaking from the cold. He and Soobin were out shopping in the local plaza but Kai only came in a hoodie. Soobin tosses his cigarette bud and removes his coat and gives it to Kai to wear. Kai smiles gratefully and takes the coat. 

"Won't you be cold?" Soobin is left only in a black and white long-sleeved shirt that hugged his frame. Kai catches himself staring and looks away.

"I'm not cold" Soobin walks over to the plaza map and looks to find where him and Kai were. His eyes land on [xxx] cafe which was really close. 

'Fuck it!' he says to himself and starts sprinting to the cafe. 

"Bin where are you okay!?" Huening Kai calls after him.

Soobin feels like a simp. He's not even sure if Beomgyu is still there- actually it's more likely that he isn't but he still goes. He looks like a hot maniac when he bursts through the entrance of the cafe. He catches the attention customers, but he doesn't notice nor care about the stares. 

Beomgyu is sitting at a booth quite pissed. His arms are crossed over his chest and his jaw locked. When he see's Soobin he gets more pissed and turns his head. As usual, Soobin doesn't think when he makes his way to the boy. 

"Hey, sorry i'm late-" Beomgyu cuts him off

"Late? you never showed!"

"I'm here right now"

"Look I really don't want to talk to you right now" 

"Just five minutes so we can get this settled"

"Soobin not right now"

"You're already here anyway!"

"Whats going on?" a boy who looks just slightly older than Soobin approaches. 

"Soobin this is Ryan, we're on a date"

"What the fuck?" Soobin bites his lip to stop himself from saying anything stupid 

"Well, since you never showed up, I met Ryan and we decided to make this a date"

"Why the fuck would you do that?!" 

"You seriously have no right to be pissed right now," Beomgyu says

"Well, I am." Soobin wasn't yelling, his voice steady, calm, and cold. His eyes are dark and hard to read. This gave Beomgyu shivers. He felt like a rabbit caught by the coyote. 

"Beomgyu let's just continue this date somewhere else" Ryan touched Beomgyu's shoulders and helped Beomgyu out of the booth. Soobin held it together until Ryan touched Beomgyu's back.

"Bro get your hands off him"

"Okay my bad.." smart ass Ryan grabbed Beomgyu's hands and put them flat against his chest torso "..i'm not touching him, he's touching-"Soobin shoves him back.

"What the fuck stop!" Beomgyu put himself in between Ryan and Soobin who both looked ready to kill. 

"You blew it, stop embarrassing yourself" Ryan spits in Soobins direction but misses.

"Stop" Beomgyu says to Ryan with a glare.

"What? I'm just putting this bitch in his place. See? he can't even talk back, he couldn't handle a hot ass like you and he knows it" This finally made Soobin snap. He grabs Ryan, shoving through Beomgyu, and slams him onto the booth. 

There weren't very many customers inside at this time. Only an elderly couple, a mother with her daughter, and the store worker who looked 15 years old and was too scared to move.

Soobin punches Ryan in the face a few times, it didn't take much for Soobin to get him to start bleeding. Beomgyu finally has enough punches Soobin in the face, that gets the boy off his poor victim and stared shocked.

"Seriously what the fuck is wrong with you?! do you think it's okay to hurt every fucking guy who shows interest in me?"

"No. It's not okay." Beomgyu raises a brow, showing interest 

"How do you feel about me?" Beomgyu asks but he doesn't get an answer. Soobin looks like he wants to answer the question but didn't know how to form sentences and word. "You want to know how i feel about you? I think you're confusing as fuck, I think you have no temper and are fucking stupid! I think you're a jerk! no, I know you're a jerk, but I still want to kiss you. I like you Soobin and it pisses me off because I don't know if you like or hate me."

Soobin feels like shit. He's put Beomgyu through all this bullshit and was acting like a bitch about it. The least he could do is give Beomgyu an explanation of his feelings, and it's exactly what he would have done. 

Huening Kai comes into the cafe, cheeks pink, hair messy and cute. 

"Why'd you run off so fast? you're my ride!" Huening Kai scolds. Beomgyu see's that Kai is now wearing the coat that Soobin wore when they met on the football field. "Oh my god Soobin what the fuck did you do now?!"

For some reason, Soobin feels like he just been caught cheating. The grey-haired boy shook his head and left the cafe. Soobin didn't go after him,

"Soobin you're lucky you didn't kill him!" Kai exclaims after he finds Ryan's pulse.


	13. Chapter 13

**New Years Eve Beomgyu's POV flashback**

_"Are you sure it's okay for a high schooler to go to this college party?" Beomgyu teases as Yeonjun parks his car._

_"You'll be fine, it's more of a kickback than a party" Yeonjun assures. He looks over Beomgyu's outfit. He wore a black T-shirt with a white corset over it. Blonde hair fell down his forehead and around his eyes, red dangly cross earrings"Aren't you cold"_

_"You've asked me that already" Beomgyu laughs and opens the car door. Yeonjun quickly follows in a jog, falling in step next to Beomgyu. The inside of the frat house smelled like cinnamon, a scent Beomgyu doesn't mind. College kids act exactly like high school kids except they look more grown._

_He ends up with Yeonjun in the kitchen talking with Felix and some other kids who he doesn't care to remember. He only remembers Felix's name because he was hot and Australian_

_"Here comes trouble" Felix lifts up his drink the gesture at Huening Kai who has finally made an appearance. He wore an autumn orange sweater that was tucked into light faded mom jeans._

_"Shut up Felix," Kai says as he pours himself a drink._

_"Damn Huening, you clean up good" Felix comments._

_"It's because Soobin is coming tonight," yeonjun says and the entire kitchen whistles suggestively, causing Kai to blush red._

_"No!" The boy lies terribly_

_"Yes" Yeonjun smirks "Just confess already, everybody is shipping you two"_

_"He's right Kai, you and Soob are a perfect match, you're the only one who can get him to do anything"_

_"We know you like him so just date!" Beomgyu stops listening at this point. He doesn't care about the love affair of two strangers. Huening Kai takes notice in the boy._

_"Hi i'm Kai, and you are?"_

_"Beomgyu" Kai smiles genuinely._

_"I love your corset"_

_"Uh... thank you" Beomgyu is a bit taken aback. He wasn't used to compliments that had no ulterior motives._

Beomgyu sits on his front porch steps on a chilly night. He's sparking Soobins lighter in his hands, the cold winter air making him numb. He couldn't stop thinking of today. He sat for almost an hour, like an idiot, waiting for Soobin to show up, and just when he was about to leave he met Ryan. He wasn't his type, his hair was too short and he had facial hair which the grey-haired boy wasn't a fan of, but he was nice enough and Beomgyu didn't want to be alone, then, of course, Soobin showed up acting like a psycho which wasn't new, but when Huening Kai came in- wearing Soobins coat and all, he felt sick. The boy had shopping bags with him so it means the two had been shopping prior to their appearance. While Beomgyu sat like a simp, Soobin was with another boy. He felt like a dumbass. 

Huening Kai was burned in his memory. The boy was beautiful and Soobin seemed comfortable enough around him to spend a fair amount of time with him. He felt inferior to him, something that he's never felt before. Especially after the first night, he met Kai. The boy was more than just beautiful, he was genuine, something that Beomgyu had trouble with. 

He regrets walking out without letting Soobin talk, he regrets leaving him with Kai. He hates these emotions. Soobin has been nothing but a confusing jerk, yet here Beomgyu is missing him. His hands take hold of the pack of cigarettes next to him- Soobins pack. 

He hated the smell of smoke, it made his head hurt, but strangely enough, that was never the case when Soobin smoked. 

'what's so great about these anyways?' Beomgyu wonders as he takes out a stick and puts it between his lips. He sparkes it and inhales deeply, quickly after he coughs his lungs out and spits out the cancer stick 'fuck this shit' Beomgyu stands up and heads back inside. Taehyung and Jungkook were out as usual, and the house was fully stocked of booze and alcohol. He takes a bottle of Hennessey and smells the inside, the smell making him cringe but he still chugs it down.

After the first drink he's feeling good, so good he doesn't stop. He drinks by himself on the kitchen floor, but then drunkenly stands up. The floor and walls are spinning opposite directions and for some reason, he thinks it might be different outside. The cold air does little to sober him and he stumbles down the front porch steps. 

'That stupid idiot... one second he's shoving me telling me to fuck off and the next he's getting mad at me for being on a date!' Beomgyu bitterly thinks and takes another chug 'I've met a lot of boys but this... this asshole really takes the churo... ah... i mean cake...wait where am I?' The grey-haired boy looks around. He lays down on the grass by the side of the road. The bottle of Hennessey is empty now so he tosses the bottle inside and pats his pockets until he finds what he's looking for. His phone.

The screen is blurry and spinning and clicks call, putting the phone against his ear.

"Hello?" Yeonjun answers, his voice groggy.

"Oh shiiitt sorry wrong person" He hangs up and tries again. The phone rings and rings and he thinks he should give up.

"Yeah?" Soobins voice answers the call. 

"Ohhh you answeered" The grey hair boys laughs.

"Are you okay?" Soobin asks, his voice full of worry. 

"Oh i've beeeen in sketchier situationss" Beomgyu's teeth chatter.

"Where are you? are you okay?" Shuffling and car keys could be heard over the other end.

"Why do you caare?"

"Beomgyu I'm being serious."

"No Soobin i-i'm not okay, I'm drunk and the stars won't stop spinning"

"Tell me where you are"

"Aand you know what? fuck you for-for making f-feel these things that I've t-tried so hard to repress. L-like I w-wouldn't care if you didn't g-give a shit about me but I know you do a-and it's fucking with my f-feelings b-because I want you to give a shit about me.... just....just leave me alone Soobin. Stop h-hurting and confusing me... goodbye"

"Beomgyu, wait-" The grey-haired boy hangs up and lets out a groan, covering his face with his arms. He'll wait for the spins to pass, he had no other choice. If he stands up now no doubt he'll blow chunks. 

The sound of a car pulling up doesn't phase the boy, and neither does the car door slamming shut. He hears footsteps approaching him and he expects it to be a cop. He moves his arms. Soobin is standing over him, he doesn't look pissed, or worries, he looks emotionless as he stares down at Beomgyu.

"The fuck are you doing here?" Beomgyu turns his head away. 

"Get up"

"No"

"Beomgyu" 

"Fuck off!" Soobin lets out a small sigh and sits down next to Beomgyu on the grass. 

"I'm sorry I stood you up" 

"Knock knock"

"Whos there?"

"Fuck off" Soobin found this funny and let out a laugh, that pissed Beomgyu off because it made his heart race. 

"I deserved that" Soobin swallows a lump in his throat "why did you drunk call me?"

"It was an accident, I meant to call Yeonjun" Beomgyu lies and gets up from the floor. Soobin follows after Beomgyu who is stumbling home Soobin feels deja vu. The grey-haired boy didn't make it far and sat down on the curb.

"You gotta stop drinking" Soobin sats next to him while lighting a cigarette. 

"Here" Beomgyu reaches in his pockets and handed back the pack of cigarettes and lighter that he held onto for so long. "They taste like shit" 

Soobin looks at Beomgyu who could barely keep his head up. His side profile beautiful. Despite being fucked up he still looks like a doll. 

"I don't know how I feel about you, and I know it sounds douchey, but it's the truth. You do things to me that don't make sense like when I'm around you I feel like all the meat is going to melt off my bones, and I have a fucking headache when I'm without you but it kind of feels better when I'm with you but not quite. I don't know why I bet pissed when other guys come onto you because I don't like you, I really don't, but it just doesn't sit right with me. Fuck, I don't even know why I came looking for you." Beomgyu lays his head on Soobin's shoulder, looking up at the stars. 

"The stars are spinning" Beomgyu closes his eyes to try to stop the headache,"I think... I think I want you in my life"


End file.
